Come with me if you want to conceive!

Hi, my name is Amy and I just got artificially inseminated.

Have you ever been curious about this stuff?  Because I’m happy to tell you all about it.  Oversharing is one of the great joys of blogging.

For me, the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) process kicked off with 12 nights of Follicle Stimulating Hormone injections in the stomach, which didn’t hurt, but did leave a mark.

Follicles by the way are like little pods where eggs grow – one egg to a follicle.  So the shots help to mature the eggs for fertilization.  Isn’t it awesome what no years of medical school have taught me?

The next day, after an ultrasound confirmed my follicle development was on track, a nurse administered a “trigger shot” of HCG, the pregnancy hormone, which would remind my body to ovulate (i.e. release eggs from follicles).

I’d been warned that the hormones could make a girl totally crazy.  I haven’t been emotional, but I’ve been insanely forgetful.  The day I got the trigger shot, I left my wallet at Trader Joe’s.  THE VERY NEXT DAY I exited Whole Foods with my wallet but without my purchased groceries.  All items have been recovered; I live in family friendly community where they’ve clearly dealt with erratic mom behavior before.  But I’m thinking I should have groceries delivered until this episode is over.

Anyway.

The day after that, we took a family field trip to the doctor.  Dave’s job was to provide sperm and then look after Viv while I got inseminated.   It was so nice to have extra help with Viv, who’s been coming with me to the doctor every week.  You know what happens when you mix a hormonal mommy and a toddler and a fertility clinic?  Mommy singing, “Old McDonald had a sperm, I-U-I-U-I.”

So Dave’s with me, and the ever awkward Dr. Rosenpenis asks him, “How did you like the red room?” referring to the clinic’s private porn chamber for baby batter collection.   (I suppose “red” is a reference to the red light district.)  Then Dr. R proceeded to growl, in the voice of Danny from The Shining, “Red Room, Red Room, Red Room.”  I kid you not.  Dave, a huge Kubrick fan, just laughed.  But I’m laying there pants-less with my legs in stirrups and frankly I was a bit terrified.

Dave has been a champ through this whole thing, and I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for him at times, so I was thrilled when Dr. Rosenpenis analyzed the contents of the semen collection kit and pronounced “62 million sperm!”  I gather that is on the high side, and either way it sure sounds like a lot.  Here’s how Dave looked upon hearing that news.

We’re very proud.

The procedure itself was a piece of cake.  A tiny catheter is used to disseminate (get it?) the goods into the uterus, by way of the hoo ha (medical term).  Quick and painless.   Afterwards, I was instructed to lie still for 10 minutes.  I cannot remember the last time I had 10 minutes to just lie down.  I got to read a People magazine.   I want to get artificially inseminated EVERY DAY.

(I sort of got my wish because my clinic recommends repeating the procedure the next day, like a double shot of Espresso, decaf, sperm whip.)

Next step is taking progesterone — more hormone therapy to convince my body, “You can do this!  You did it before!  Remember?”   And then we’ll see what happens.

Wish me luck and if you know any IUI success stories, I’d sure love to hear them.

In the immortal words of The Sperminator, I’ll be back.