While Dave and I try to conceive a sibling for Viv, we are half-assedly planning our 2014 wedding.  Though both of us are super excited for the big day, as parents of a toddler we are way too tired and distracted to actually arrange anything.  (Advantage: Marriage Before Carriage.)

However, since my mom is visiting from the east coast, and with any luck I could be pregnant and spherical soon, I decided it might be smart to start trying on wedding dresses.

Fantasy plan: Buy perfect gown now (takes 6-8 months to be produced), give birth to baby, join Weight Watchers, start jogging, lift weights, do yoga and Pilates (all while caring for new baby and small child), schedule wedding dress fittings for rocking new body, get married.   It’s so crazy it might work!  What?  Oh no, I meant to say, I’m crazy to think that could work.

Moving on.

I’ll confess, I had been very nervous about going wedding dress shopping.

First, there’s the intimidation factor.   A wedding dress is by far the most expensive item of clothing I’ll ever own, and the boutiques in Los Angeles are exceptionally fancy.  (Example: At one, my complimentary beverage was served to me in a Waterford crystal glass.  I did not photograph the glass for fear of breaking it, but this was the chandelier in my dressing room.  You get the idea.)

I was worried that if the saleswomen saw me in my typical unwashed, sweatpants-wearing mom mode they might mistake me for a homeless woman and go full Pretty Woman on my ass: “I don’t think we have anything for you.  You’re obviously in the wrong place.”  So I blow dried my hair, wore a coordinated outfit and my good watch, and spritzed on some perfume that was not Designer Imposters.

I briefly considered other ways that I could make myself smell like money:

1)      Roll in a pile of c-notes, a la Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal.

2)      Dab Johnny Walker Blue behind ears.

3)      Moisturize with foie gras.  (I’ll bet it is great for cracked winter elbows.)

Also, I was worried I’d look silly in a wedding dress.   I mean, they’re kind of ridiculous to begin with, and I’m a “mature” bride with a child, not a virgin cupcake pouf princess.   But it turns out that wedding gowns are just glorious.  And they have secret underpinnings that force even the saggiest mama into an amazing hourglass shape.  I should wear a wedding dress every day—maybe just bustle up the train for the playground.

Also I’d like to bring home this basket of bra cup stuffers and giant orange clamps, for easy home alterations.

And finally, I was worried I’d get into a big wicked fight with my mother.  When I was a teenager, there were a lot of screaming matches in dressing rooms, usually because I kept trying on spandex miniskirts while my mom tried to teach me about taste and decorum.  But at the bridal boutiques, we were on the same page and my mom was so helpful, steering me towards some silhouettes I didn’t realize would flatter me.

I’m going to visit a few more shops before making a decision.  In the meantime, I’ve been fantasizing about jewelry, like these gorgeous eternity wedding bands from 77 Diamonds, which would look fabulous on me regardless of whether I actually ever do any Pilates.

Trying on wedding dresses was so much fun that I began to think our nation’s 50% divorce rate might have something to do with a woman’s insatiable need for new clothes.  I mean, the only way to get another wedding dress is to have another wedding…  Kidding, mostly.

Brought to you by 77 Diamonds.