Call me a hypocrite. No, it’s okay, I can take it. I write about how we need to be kind to ourselves and never trash talk our weight in front of our kids. And then I go and use the F word on myself. Loophole: Viv can’t read yet. So until she can, I’m just going to laugh through the pain.
Let me start by saying, baby weight, schmayby weight. Breastfeeding and pushing Viv’s stroller uphill in both directions (or so it seemed) took care of that. The real trouble started in year two. I am horrified to report that I somehow managed to pack on 15 new pounds.
How could this have happened? I blame the kid.
My crappy nutrition and lack of exercise are totally her fault. Here’s how being a toddler mom made me gain 15 pounds:
1. Going to toddler birthday parties every weekend where there is nothing but pizza and cake, which I eat. I’m not one to be rude.
2. Carrying a purse that’s filled with Cheddar Bunnies, Fiddlesticks, peanut butter sandwich crackers and other nice words for cookie.
3. Eating Viv’s leftovers, because it’s a sin to waste food.
4. Viv refusing to get into her stroller once she learned to walk, and walking less than one mph around the block, which does not exactly get my heart rate up.
5. Viv throwing a fit when I tried to put her in childcare at a gym, causing me to give up on the whole gym idea completely.
6. That one time I tried to do an exercise DVD during naptime, when I dropped my sad little 3-pound hand weights and actually woke up sleeping beauty. Not Worth It.
7. Me shoving ravioli into my mouth (“Viv, try this!) to prove how yummy the food she’s ignoring really is.
8. Viv shoving ravioli into my mouth (“Mommy, try this!) because that’s what she’s learned from me about eating.
9. Scarfing down my meals in under 10 seconds while standing up/cooking/hiding in the bathroom and never getting those full belly signals in time.
10. Viv not liking leafy greens, or really anything that’s not a carb. Seems like a waste to prepare food I can’t share with the whole family.
11. Viv’s obsession with pushing elevator buttons. So much for stairs.
12. Massive sugar cravings brought on by fertility treatments. That’s not strictly Viv’s fault, but I am trying to give her a sibling, so it kind of is.
13. Being forced to eat drive thru fast food every time Viv falls asleep in her car seat at lunchtime.
14. Never getting enough sleep, which means once I put my kid to bed, I barely have enough energy to work the remote, never mind that “march in place during the commercials” nonsense I read about in magazines.
15. Two words: Mac & Cheese.
My very original New Year’s resolution is to shed those pounds. I’ve already found a kid-friendly Weight Watchers meeting. Of course, the Weight Watchers near me is adjacent to a frozen yogurt shop–the kind with all the crazy candy toppings my toddler loves. Oh hell, I’ll be lucky if I break even.