The parents-to-be with their practice baby (Viv)
Dear Jordan and Lana,
I wish that Dave and I could be at your baby shower to celebrate, but as you may know, parents of small children rarely go anywhere. So instead, I’ve jotted down some words of wisdom that I hope you’ll find wise and not too wordy.
People think a baby will make their lives more complicated. Well, I have good news for you. Babies actually make everything much simpler. Here are a bunch of things you won’t even need any more once you have a baby:
An alarm clock
A gym membership
Dinner reservations
Concert tickets
Clothing that has to be dry-cleaned
A subscription to The New York Times
Cosmetics
Hair salon appointments
Books more than 10 pages long
As you can see, you will save a lot of time and money and be far less bourgeois, all thanks to your baby.
But don’t worry yourselves about the loss of freedom, the sleepless nights or the projectile vomiting. You’re pledging the global Fraternity of Parents and there is going to be some hazing. That’s just how it works. Take comfort in that fact that your baby is gorgeous, and a genius. I can tell this from the sonograms.
Some more advice:
DO Take lots of pictures.
DON’T Look at pictures of yourselves when you were tan, well-rested and traveling the Greek islands on a yacht.
DO Schedule date nights.
DON’T Expect to stay awake through both dinner AND a movie. Pick one.
DO Make sure Lana gets some time to herself. Happy wife, happy life. Happy mommy, happy salami. What? Who said that? Gross.
DON’T Sweat the small stuff, like making a mess. There’s nothing Oxiclean and a sense of humor can’t save.
DO Ask for help. Everyone in this room and especially the author of this letter would love to sing to the baby while you shower, feed you dinner, commiserate or advise.
BUT DON’T Listen to any advice you find stressful or annoying.
DO Learn Russian (you know who you are).*
DON’T Feel guilty if it ever gets boring parenting an infant. Even the gorgeous, genius babies are sometimes boring. Just keep talking and eventually she’ll talk back. Especially when she’s 16.
Whatever you do or don’t do, you will be wonderful parents and your daughter will be so loved. We can’t wait to meet her. I promise Viv will probably not poke her in the eye.
Much love,
Aunt Amy
*My SIL is bilingual. My brother, less so.
My input on date nights – which BTW are a must! – is that you do movie first, then dinner. If we hit a 6-6:30 movie, we’re at dinner by 8:45 and still in bed by 10pm. There’s no way I could eat dinner and enjoy a couple of drinks and stay awake for a movie, but it helps to switch it up.
Smart, Rachel. We’ll try that some time in the next 5 years 🙂
This is so wonderful, thanks!
Love,
Jordan
We’re so excited for you!!
Hilarious Amy Wruble.
Das Vedanya,
Meredith
Meredith recently posted..All The Bullshit I Heard On Mother’s Day
Spasiba.
The only Russian you need to learn is from Rocky IV.
And, if I could be so bold, I’d add this:
You may think you are ready. You are not. That is ok. Because being a parent is better and scarier than you could ever imagine.
Alan recently posted..Should Parents be Angry About Being Parents?
Right! “I must break you,” said in thick Russian accent. I know Russian!
And thanks for the bold, perfect addition.