“You look tired” is one of the rudest sentences in the English language. Unless it’s followed up by, “Lie down on this deck chair while I mind your children and straighten up your house,” there is no need to point out the obvious.
Of course I look tired – I’m a mom! Here are just some of the reasons:
1. No matter how beat I am, falling asleep takes two hours because of this ticker in my head: “Did I turn off the oven? Lock the door? Drain the bath? Is dry drowning a real thing? Did her head feel warm when I kissed her goodnight? Are we out of milk?” It’s endless.
2. When I do fall asleep, there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be awakened by an eerily silent child five inches from my face, just staring at me.
3. Even God had a day of rest. Not Mom.
4. Until they invent a single cosmetic product that can cover dark circles, brighten eyes, define cheekbones and extend lashes, my beauty routine is getting my hair (most of it) into a ponytail. It’s a look.
5. I’ll cover my kid in 50 SPF head to toe for a trip to the supermarket but go weeks without dabbing a little moisturizer on my crow’s feet. Haven’t really nailed that whole “self care” thing yet.
6. Every question I answer starts with “Why?” “Can I?” or “Give me.” They could use this technique at Guantanamo—more effective than water boarding! And exhausting.
7. Disney movies: they seem like a great idea until somebody has an Ursula the Sea Witch nightmare and climbs into bed and plants herself on top of you.
8. My toddler’s favorite way to play is to dump every toy she owns into a huge pile on the floor. The second I’ve tidied up, she does it again. Sometimes I think I’ll pass out under the toy pile and not be found until someone needs a snack…so, like, five minutes later.
9. Carrying a flailing, tantrumming, 30-pound-toddler plus a giant bag of sand toys is not just exhausting–it should be an event in the Decathlon.
10. Being responsible for a little person’s health, safety, well-being, nutrition, education and self esteem weighs on me heavily, and really makes me Zzzzzzzzz…What? Sorry. What was I saying? Oh yeah, it’s tiring.