Just follow these easy steps:
1. Have your first baby at 40.
4. Try IVF again.
5. And then one more time before you realize your body hates it.
6. Try acupuncture.
8.Try to find peace with having an only child.
9. Give away all the baby stuff.
10. Have a series of minor medical maladies (throat surgery, pneumonia, herniated discs) that put you out of babymaking commission for a ridiculous amount of time while your clock threatens to run out.
12. Get a job documenting your trying-to-conceive efforts, no pressure or anything.
13. See an energy healer, who makes you give up ice cream.
14. Marry your baby daddy. Take one month off from trying to conceive, paying no attention to the calendar.
15. Drink champagne for seven nights straight during your rehearsal dinner, wedding and honeymoon. Soak in a hot tub each day.
16. Discover surprise pregnancy, apparently undisturbed by cocktails and hot tubs.
17. Stealthily write about surprise pregnancy while not actually telling anyone.
18. Turn 44. Google celebrities who had babies at 44, and feel especially close to Gwen Stefani and Mira Sorvino.
19. Have a hard time believing there’s really a growing baby in there, despite multiple ultrasounds and intense pregnancy symptoms.
20. Try to convince your 3yo that mommy is throwing up because she ate too much cotton candy, hoping she’ll stop asking for it at the Pier.
21. Take the new MaterniT21 blood test and get the all-clear to start telling people about the baby, even though you’re still totally paranoid.
22. Have trouble shaking the feeling that you’re going to wake up in a mental hospital having imagined the whole thing.
23. Tell yourself to never give up, never surrender, which may be from Galaxy Quest, but nonetheless became your weirdo fertility mantra.
I’m pregnant. Thank you from the bottom of my uterus for hanging with me on this crazy journey. More to come.