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Of course kids love Halloween — it’s the most rule-breaking holiday of the year! Candy for dinner, staying up past bedtime and wearing dress-up clothes outside adds up to an epically spook-tacular night. But for parents responsible for all the planning and preparation, pulling off their kids’ dream Halloween is no easy feat. Maybe not everyone is as neurotic as I am, but here are the sorts of issues I obsess over every October.

1. I should have made a homemade costume. This store-bought crap makes it look like I don’t care.

2. I should have never attempted a homemade Halloween costume. This sewing machine is a death trap and my hand is going to wind up stitched into my kid’s outfit like a human centipede.

3. If I buy the pumpkin too early, it’s going to implode into a disgusting gelatinous mass that I’ll be scraping off our front stoop for months. If I buy the pumpkin too late, we’ll wind up with a butternut squash.

4. Could a candy apple lead to a cavity that causes root canal that necessitates dentures? I can’t have my kid being the only one in Kindergarten who has to put her teeth in at lunchtime.

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