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If you’re planning to breastfeed, a hospital lactation consultant will show you different positions for holding the baby while nursing. You’ll hear terms like “cross-cradle,” “side-lying” and “football hold.” These are fine and dandy for early breastfeeding, but trust me, your growing baby will have other ideas.

Here are the real nursing holds you won’t read about in books, but every breastfeeding mama knows:

1. “Pound the Ketchup Bottle” – While nursing, the baby uses a free hand to bang rhythmically on your boob, as if trying to get more milk to come out.

Pound the Ketchup Bottle

2. “Hooter Hider Hater” – Baby flails his little arms and legs in a windmill motion, successfully removing any and all discreet coverings from your boobs.

3. “Titty Twister” – One of your nipples is busy giving milk. The other nipple is being spun like the Wheel of Fortune. Because Baby’s other hand needs something to do, apparently.

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