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I’ve been pregnant, trying to get pregnant or nursing for most of the past six years. So rather than owning and occupying my own body, I’ve been renting it out to some rather unruly but very adorable tenants. At 15 months old, Baby #2 is still on the lease, nursing on demand with great enthusiasm, but I’m making plans for her eventual eviction. It’s not that I don’t love breastfeeding—I do. It’s just that I also really like vodka.

Here’s what I’m gonna do as soon as I get that last baby weaned:

1. Wear a turtleneck. Or anything else in my closet that restricts access to my breasts. I’m sick of my neckline-limited wardrobe. Even my husband is tired of seeing my cleavage!

2. And all the jewelry. As every breastfeeding mama knows, dangly earrings and necklaces are just convenient baby toys and all the yanking and breakage ain’t worth it. When I get my body back, I’m decorating it.

3. Smell fabulous. It always seemed rude to spray perfume right where the baby is trying to breathe, so I’ve mostly smelled of breastmilk, which is not something you ever see marketed by Chanel.

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