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Have you heard? The buzz word of the day is “self-care,” moms. This means we’re all supposed to do a better job putting ourselves first, or at least not putting ourselves last.

Sounds good, right?

Every day, I read articles touting essential self-care practices for moms. And I think, yes, I do need to take better care of me. Certainly, I would be a happier, healthier, less bitchy mom if I was properly fed and rested.

So this fall, I set out to start practicing self-care. Spoiler alert: It didn’t happen. Why? Because I have two kids, that’s why.

Here are just 8 reasons my rugrats are the ultimate me-time killers:

1. They’re little thieves

My husband is fond of saying that death creeps in through the gums. It seemed like regular flossing would be a good life insurance policy, and it only takes two minutes at night. Or it would, if I could ever find any dental floss. Ever since I took an interest in flossing, my kids have taken a corresponding interest in using my floss to make necklaces for stuffed animals, or to tie each other up.

2. They think I’m a jungle gym

My creaky back appreciates a little cat-cow stretch in the morning, so I promised myself I’d stretch five minutes per day, right on my very own carpet—no muss, no fuss. Except every single time I lay down, my toddler thinks it’s hilarious to climb right on top of me. And occasionally she starts nursing. It’s not worth it.

3. They’re scared of loud noises

A girlfriend of mine swears by her morning concoction of protein powder, chia seeds, almond milk and spinach, so I tried it, and while not as tasty as a root beer float, it did make me feel super virtuous. But there’s a problem. My toddler cowers in fear from the blender, which makes me feel awful. Also, my 6-year-old gets smoothie-envy, only she doesn’t want a green one. She wants a fruity purple one. So now I’m cleaning out blenders and scaring toddlers and I’m even later for school drop-off than usual. Self-care, my ass.

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