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Remember thinking that your newborn baby was so complicated? How do I get her to sleep? Is she eating enough? Is she gassy? Why is she making that face? Then you look back and realize what an idiot you were, because babies are the easiest thing ever. Especially when compared to toddlers.

I thought I understood what to expect from toddlerhood, but in reality it’s so much more than just walking, talking and the occasional tantrum. If there was an owner’s manual for toddlers (and there really should be), it would include warnings about the following totally unexpected and WTF toddler milestones.

Climbing Out of the Crib

Your toddler sleeps in a cozy jail known as a crib, so how the hell did he get into your bed? Once this dreaded milestone arrives, nighttime gets a whole lot more challenging. Be sure to wear your Fitbit, since you’re guaranteed to log 10,000 steps walking your little monkey back to his room all night long, like Lionel Ritchie.

Stripping Off Diapers

Your toddler figures how to work those sticky tabs and suddenly it’s bye-bye diaper, hello poop on the floor. I’ve had friends resort to duct tape to keep those suckers on their tushies. I won’t tell CPS if you don’t.

Getting Huge

One day, you hoist your toddler onto your hip and OMG he seems to have gained 10 pounds overnight. Yet, if you try to get him to hold your hand and walk two blocks, he’s all, “I’m just a baby—carry me!” It will take weight training, massage and possibly physical therapy to ride out this phase.

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