When I got knocked up with Viv, I registered my due date with Babycenter.com to receive weekly updates about her development.   Throughout my pregnancy, Babycenter compared her estimated size to a fruit or vegetable so that I could better imagine her growing heft.

At 7 weeks, she was a blueberry.

At 15 weeks, an apple.

By 35 weeks, she had swelled to a honeydew melon.

When I was due, I was pretty sure I was going to give birth to this:

So imagine my surprise when I got one of these:

Since Viv’s birth, I have continued to receive Babycenter’s weekly updates and found them to be pretty on target, predicting the beginnings of babbling, pointing and cruising.  Looking forward, I know I’ll appreciate a head’s up on daunting developments like tantrums and potty training.  All of which makes me wonder: how long can I rely on Babycenter to keep sending these bulletins, and how accurate will they continue to be?   I can only imagine the emails…

“Your baby is 15 years, 2 months.”

Your baby is gaining many new skills, such as texting at the dinner table, applying sparkly blue eyeliner at the dinner table, and slamming doors.  While a 14-year-old will communicate mainly by grunting, the 15-year-old’s rapidly expanding vocabulary will include such new words as “bitch,” “whore” and “ihateyou.”  Despite these advances, it may take your baby several months or even years to realize that these new words are not synonymous with “mom.”

“Your baby is 17 years, 4 months”

At this age, babies often like to throw parties at your house while you’re away for the weekend.  If you’re unsure whether your baby is hosting inebriated minors in your absence, check for watered down liquor bottles, broken knick-knacks and a suspiciously clean kitchen floor.

“Your baby is 29 years, 8 months.”

Don’t worry if your baby hasn’t met “the one” yet.   The normal developmental age for settling down can range widely.   Other babies in your play group may be starting to buy homes and plan weddings.  But remember, every baby is an individual.  If you have any concerns, check with your pediatrician.