My boyfriend Dave and I are approaching our 3 ½ year anniversary and I’m pretty sure that makes me a relationship expert.   How did I get so smart?   Easy.   Everything I know about relationships, I learned from the tabloids.

If you have doubts or concerns about your relationship, I suggest you head immediately to your nearest nail salon and order the works so you’ll have time to study the latest issues of Star, Us Weekly, In Touch and People.

Until then, here are 5 Relationship Rules that Celebrities Have Taught Me:

1. Don’t Brag About Your Relationship.  Remember the first rule of Fight Club?  Do not talk about Fight Club!   The same applies to your relationship.  By all means talk about it with each other and feel free to include the marriage counselor of your choice, but don’t go waxing rhapsodic to your friends or the tabloids.  It’s obnoxious, and people start rooting for your relationship to fail. And then it does.

Celebrity Cautionary Tales: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Bennifer, Nick & Jessica

2. Don’t Rush Into Marriage.  Whether you’re a celebrity or an ordinary human, it does get boring dancing on the same tables night after night.  The thrill of being photographed exiting a limo in a short skirt with no underwear is so fleeting.  But eloping in Vegas (or planning a televised wedding in lieu of a third date) is not the answer.   Returning all those wedding gifts is depressing, especially if you don’t have a team of production assistants to do it for you.

Celebrity Cautionary Tales: Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian

3. Don’t Renew Your Vows.   People, the difference between a driver’s license and a marriage license is that the latter does not expire.   Get it right the first time, because clearly, vow renewals are the kiss of death.  Perhaps all that event planning is just a substitute for something missing in the relationship, like true love, or the ability to stand each other for more than 24 consecutive hours.

Celebrity Cautionary Tales: Heidi Klum & Seal, J-Lo and Marc Anthony, Madonna & Guy Ritchie

 4. Don’t Hire a Hot Nanny.  Unless you like temptation, drama, lawsuits, paternity tests and divorce, maybe hire a nanny who looks more like Mrs. Doubtfire and less like Rebecca De Mornay in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle.

 Celebrity Cautionary Tales:  Robin Williams (ironic, Mrs. Doubtfire), Jude Law & Sienna Miller

5. Don’t Tweet Your Cheat.  Try not to cheat, but if you must stray, don’t tweet your apology to the entire world.  Besides being tacky, it makes it impossible for your paramour to take you back without looking like a chump.

Celebrity Cautionary Tale: Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson.