A couple of weeks ago, I found out I’d be appearing on The Ricki Lake Show.  My friend Jessica is a producer there and she pitched me as a guest.

Ricki's new studio in Culver City, CA

At first, I was skeptical.  I don’t know if you remember Ricki’s syndicated daytime talk show from the 90s, but it was totally awesome…unless you were a guest.  Known for its gotcha surprises and aggressively rhyming episode titles like “Check Yourself, I Know You Were Frontin’…Today You’re the ‘Ricki’ Guest I’m Confrontin,” it could be pretty frightening for those involved.  I did not want to find out that my boyfriend was actually my sister, at least not on TV.

Luckily the new series, which launches September 10, is kinder and gentler, more like Oprah, but still a whole lot of fun.  I can’t tell you my episode topic until it airs so just imagine it’s something I know a lot about, like playing online Scrabble, eating brownies or complaining about my hair.

The first thing I did when I booked the show was go on a crash diet.  My friend Louisa, who has a gorgeous figure and a lot more self control than I do, suggested I cut out carbs and sugar.  Within a week I had become a raving bitch (just ask Dave) and gained a pound, probably from eating my body weight in roasted almonds, which are neither carby nor sweet but pretty caloric apparently.

Since it didn’t seem like I could get back to my pre-baby body in the week remaining, I bought a dress in a larger size.   I have to say, swimming around in a garment that zips easily and doesn’t hurt to wear has much to commend it.

Self portrait in the green room wearing my roomy new dress

However, important lesson: never drive in Spanx.   Now I know how Scarlet O’Hara felt in her corset.  No wonder she was so snappish.

"Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar."

I also got a mani/pedi, bleached my teeth, asked a skin expert to please pop a giant zit above my eyebrow with a needle, scheduled a babysitter, had my hair and makeup done, and made Dave sit next to me on the couch and interview me for an hour like he was Phil Donahue.

Ricki's hair and makeup people rock

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve blow dried my hair in the past two years, so being Queen for a Day was fantastic.  All new moms should get to go on talk shows.

Feeling fancy

Of course, after all that preparation, I was pretty sure Murphy’s Law would demand that my appearance be canceled.  It wasn’t.  But it ended up being a little less major than I had fantasized in my mind.  Instead of sitting on the couch sipping coffee with my new BFF Ricki, I was planted in the audience to field a couple of questions.  My main disappointment was that nobody could see my fabulous vintage Manolos that I’d dusted off for the occasion.

Nonetheless, I had a ball, met some cool people and had a front row seat to a fun new show that I would totally watch when I’m in that Ellen/Nate Berkus/Dr. Oz daytime mood.  Which is pretty often.

Looking good, Ricki, and thanks for humoring me

I’ll facebook and tweet and call ya on my tin can phone when I find out the episode airdate, and once the cone of silence is lifted, I look forward to blogging in detail about the online Scrabble.  Oops, have I said too much?