A brilliant blogger I follow, Glennon Melton of Momastery, recently announced she was separating from her (super hot) husband. This was unnerving. Lately, it seems like the big lady bloggers’ marriages have been crumbling like cookies (see: Mighty Girl and Dooce).
Could be pure coincidence. If half of all marriages end in divorce, some of those marriages are bound to belong to bloggers. (And there are so goddamned many bloggers.) But I can’t help wondering if there’s a connection – like, if inviting a few thousand strangers into one’s relationship has consequences. Is complaining bad karma? Does bragging tempt fate?
When I started blogging, I didn’t draw any hard and fast line between private and public – I’ve just been going with my gut. And my fail-safe is showing every blog to Dave before I publish. Usually, he’s fine with personal stuff. His typical feedback is “make it shorter.” He’s an editor.
Dave knows if he says something totally ridiculous it’s going to end up in the blog. But he also knows that I’ll never sell him out. He is more important than my blog.
Of course, that can be limiting.
Remember the last post I published, about our family trip? The reason Dave isn’t in any of the pictures I used is that we were busy having a big old fight, and had retreated to separate corners.
Calm before storm.
I can’t really recall what the fight was about. It came from a place of him working insane hours at his job and me feeling Hulk-like rage from all the IVF hormone shots and both of us deserving some help and pampering that we can’t possibly get right now.
We worked it out, and when the storm passed I was left feeling lighter – light enough to blog about the sillier parts of our Thanksgiving trip and for that skewed version to still feel authentic to me. Turning fight-water into blog-wine.
Could I have written a juicier, probably pretty relatable tale of he said/she said? Sure. Only then it would have lived online forever, etching an otherwise fleeting argument into stone. I think I prefer to let these things evaporate.
On the flip side, I was recently researching single mom blogs for a magazine piece I was writing and noticed something interesting. Every time I came upon a well-written, popular blog about single motherhood, it would turn out that the author was no longer single. Ms. Single Mama married in April. Single Mom Seeking remarried AND had a new baby.
And I wondered, how much did blogging contribute to those women finding love? Maybe blogging was good therapy, healing wounds, opening hearts and doors. Maybe all that writing with intention and passion about hopes and dreams worked like a magic spell.
Maybe I should be writing more about how badly I want another baby, if I can find a non-cliché way to say it.
Is blogging bad for your marriage? I don’t know — I’m not even married. To those of you who read and write blogs – when it comes to relationships, do you think baring all is helpful or dangerous?
I think the type of blog has to be considered, and how much the partner is willing to be part of the story. For me, my blog is more about how I parent, so it’s really all about parenting our kiddo. I don’t include anything about my husband that doesn’t pertain to that.
If however a partner is totally okay with being part of the story, or if the blog is about a family and marriage, etc., then it might be more okay since at least he’ll know what to expect.
I would also say that bloggers should discuss the topics of the blogs with their partners, instead of their partners finding out news via the blog. That might make that person feel disconnected from the blogger, as if he’s just reading news indirectly rather than discussing it firsthand.
Nina recently posted..33 favorite children’s books, part 2
Great points. Glad you stopped by with your kids’ book lists too – they are awesome! Totally heading to Amazon now.
Awesome, glad the list is helpful!
Nina recently posted..33 favorite children’s books, part 2
What kind of name is “GleNNNon”? She should leave some “N”s for others. Epstei’s Mother (See?!)
I found that writing a post every now and again that makes your partner look really good is a nice salve to any chafing the blog might cause. Of course, it must be true or else they will know.
Mr. BabyDaddy recently posted..Indicates Wants
Smart, Mr. B. Plus it reflects well on the blogger to have chosen such a fabulous partner.
Amy recently posted..Is Blogging Bad For Your Marriage?
I divulge wayyyy too much about my kids, but very little about my marriage. On purpose. Yesterday I mentioned rewarding my hubby with a BJ jokingly, and after getting over a thousand likes, my husband heard about it through a friend. Not that I was keeping it a secret from him. It just teaches me to be careful about what I share. There’s a fine line between sharing enough and sharing too much. I think when you hit that balance, you have figured out the best way to blog.
As overshares go, your hubby probably got a kick out that one (especially if you followed through – hah). I’m realizing I’m more sensitive to my kid sharing than my relationship sharing, which may be backwards for a “mom” blogger.
I use my blog a lot to process my emotions and what I am living on a daily basis, as the mom of two toddlers with special needs. I have to remember that this doesn’t mean that those same ideas don’t have to be discussed with my husband as well. That he’s my number one sounding board and source of support. At times, I have a tendency to run to my blog first. So I just try to slow down, and discuss everything out with him before publishing it for the entire world to see.
I know what you mean. The blog can be a great place to get your head together though – then your ideas are even better formed for discussion. So blog draft, then husband, then blog publish.
It’s true! Every six months or so I plow through my monstrous Single Mom blog link love page and at least 25% of them are crossed off – many because they have stopped blogging after marrying.
Years ago when I started blogging we had a huge community – us single mama bloggers. And now, yeah, we are all (mostly) re-married. I think it’s so funny because at the time re-marriage seemed like such a foreign idea. I was truly healing. And yes, you’re absolutely right – blogging was completely therapeutic for me. It still is now that we navigate the waters of blending a family. My new blog is here: http://www.beautyandthebiker.com
This is an excellent post.
Ms. Single Mama recently posted..img_2687.jpg
Thank you, I am so honored you stopped by! Congratulations and I will definitely check out your new blog.
Blogging takes me away from my family. Time away from my husband. Time away from my kids. Not always a good thing. But blogging makes me happy. A happier me spends better quality time with my husband and kids. As long as it doesn’t become obsessive, I think it’s a fair trade-off in the time department. Content-wise, I’m still feeling my way.
Kristine Castagnaro recently posted..Mgazi Puts Her Foot Down
I have blog guilt too. But this time of year when my fiance ditches me for The Celtics, he’s probably glad I have something to do.
Great post.
I don’t have the time or drive to blog at home, so I do it during lunch breaks at the office, which is a great luxury. This is nice for two reasons, both of which are appreciated by my wife: 1. By flexing my creative muscle at work, it doesn’t take away from family time at home. 2. As a creative outlet, blogging also helps blow off my work-induced stress and makes my workday a little more bearable. The wife definitely appreciates when I come home from work as a human, and not as a stress-driven monster – which working in an office full-time will do to a person.
So far, I think my wife really enjoys what I write about our relationship and our kids, and sees it as a method of chronicling our lives. But there are certain topics I have not yet broached because I know my family reads every single f%^&$#g character I publish, and we do not want our family to read about certain intimate details of our marriage. I just don’t have the guts that some of my fellow bloggers have. By sticking to soiled diapers and matters of pop culture, I remain safe. For now…
Andy Goldstein recently posted..Holidays in the Loop
Thank you for commenting, my new friend. If I had a proper day job, I’d definitely be blogging there! Unfortunately, blogging is my pretend day job. Soiled diapers and matters of pop culture are nearly one and the same, no?
Great post, Amy. My husband and I have definitely had our ups and downs about the whole blogging thing. There is such a fine line between being authentic and protecting the privacy of your most sacred relationships! In the end though, we’ve managed to find a pretty good balance and the fact that most of my writing falls into the humor category helps to cushion the blow of what’s real and what’s just exaggeration for effect. (Phew!)
Leslie recently posted..The Return of Dobbie, The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf
Agree humor saves us all – plus we wind up making our partners seem really witty!
I have to say that I have indeed been wondering the same thing about divorcing bloggers. Through these last couple of months I have found that many blogging women have gone through divorce or an intense separation episode. I think that when women make their professional lives a priority over their family lives, then all the trouble starts. You see, a man no matter how open minded he may be is always looking for a person to comfort him and spoil him. But when the women he married or committed to doesn’t care about that or is too busy to do so; he becomes annoyed and feels betrayed. Smart women distribute their time between this job and their home life; unless they do so men do not respect their ‘thing’.
Thanks for writing. I think both men and women need to be taken care of and made a priority in a relationship – not just men.
I’ve thought about this a lot. My husband is an anti-blogxhibitionist, so from the beginning I have kept “us” fairly private. Left to my own devices, I would similarly not share the inner workings of our relationship. For me, baring all could be good for blogging but bad for marriage. Some things could be hard to fix in front of an audience.
Love this: “Turning fight-water into blog-wine.”
And though this is not the main point of your post, I must debunk the “half of marriages end in divorce” thing.
50% of X ends in Y
Lori Lavender Luz recently posted..Time Warp Tuesday: Gifts
Thanks for sharing your X/Y post – I had a feeling that stat was loaded. Anti-blogxhibitionist…I’m going to steal that!
Like you, I try hard to balance being authentic with being sensitive to the feelings of my husband. I run every post that mentions him past my husband to ensure that he’s cool with what I’m sharing. Much food for thought here – thank you!
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..Are You Satisfied With The Life You’re Living?
The husband pass is key – plus sometimes they catch typos.
In my case, baring all is impossible as my hubby is a very private person. When I write, I never mention him by name and I never put his photos anywhere online. I am very careful about what I divulge purely because of my relationship.
fortysomethingfirsttimemum recently posted..Happy Schooldays and Happy Halloween
Thanks for sharing. We 40-something first time mums have to stick together 🙂
I am married and have been blogging for three years now. I have had no issues so far. When I write personal posts, I ask my husband to read before publishing. When he is busy, I make sure not to divulge details. Since my relationship is much more important than my blog, I am always cautious. Forget the husband, I make sure that what I write does not offend my son or scores of conservative relatives who also read my blog.
Just imagine how many more blog ideas we’d have if we didn’t have to worry about offending anyone….sigh.
I think that blogging could certainly be an issue in some relationships and each couple needs to evaluate that BEFORE it becomes an issue. For us we tread carefully and both agree that is for the best. You will never hear anything negative from me or my blog, we try to keep those things private but thats us it doesn’t mean its right or wrong its just what works for us.
Melissa recently posted..Fashion Friday
It seems like bloggers draw the line in a lot of different places, but the key is thinking about it in advance and having a plan. Thanks for sharing yours.
In my case, baring all is impossible as my hubby is a very private person. When I write, I never mention him by name and I never put his photos anywhere online. I am very careful about what I divulge purely because of my relationship.