Me & Viv around the time we started Mommy & Me
At my first day in Mommy & Me, I made a new friend. We seemed so much alike; both of us were bubbly blondes and first-time mothers to 3-month-old babies. We even shared the same alma mater. “What year did you graduate?” she asked, as excited as I was to find common ground. “1992,” I told her. “How about you?” She paused, seeming surprised. “Um, 2002.” That put her age at about 30. Wow, I thought. What a young mom. As I got to know the other women in the group, I discovered that they were all in their early thirties. At 40, I was the outlier. The weird one.
Maybe this shouldn’t have been such a shock, but I’ve been living in a bubble — more specifically, Los Angeles. Our greatest natural resource is beautiful pregnant actresses in their forties like Halle Berry, Salma Hayak, and Kelly Preston.
My own girlfriends aren’t famous, but we’ve been acting like we are. Our thirties were spent on career building, exotic travel, and even more exotic dating. Although I was 40 when I finally had a baby, I was the first one on my block. I thought I was right on schedule.
Once I realized I was the odd mom out, it was time for spin control. I badly wanted to befriend these Mommy & Me ladies and feared the age gap would create distance, so going forward, I avoided specifics about my stats. I referred to spending “a couple” of years in New York (it was seven) and having worked in Los Angeles as a television producer for “a while” (it was a decade). I hadn’t lied this much about my age since my Match.com days.
This was hilarious, Amy! It cracks me up that you were feeling “old” and tried to hide your age… So crazy! Yet so funny. And sad. And fucked-up. I can relate -to it all. Here in the SF Bay Area it is quite normal to start your family in your mid-to-late 30s through your mid-to-late 40s. Still. I’ve been the “40 yr old mom at the Young Mommies mommy group” before, too. No fun! 🙁
One thing I do want to point out to you: You DID do the order right. You did it exactly how it should be done, in my opinion. FIRST the partying, the traveling/world exploring and the bed-hopping, and THEN the settling down, partnering-up, & procreating. In. That. Order.
(It’s just nature’s sick joke that our bodies don’t always cooperate with this superior plan, and that it can be (much) more tiring to have babies in your 40s vs your 20s. This is clearly nature’s SICK, twisted, and MEAN joke. But then again, isn’t it crazy that it’s the little kids who have all the ENERGY day in and day out, while and parents (no matter what their age) are no match- ever?! What’s up with that nonsense?! Does nature really know best? I think not. I mean, was I really supposed to start making babies at age 11?)
BTW, I remember once in grad school (I was around 25, or so) I came upon this woman who was my age and was already well established in the career I was aiming for. I felt like such an idiot. WTF? Then one day she was talking about her boyfriend and some issue they were having. It came out that this was her FIRST boyfriend and that she had never lived with a guy before. I was shocked! I was already onto my third long-term, monogamous, live-in relationship at that point! I hadn’t traveled out of the country yet (for me that came much later), but I’d partied a bit (okay, a lot) and practiced as much bed-hopping and relationship configurations as I could think of (okay, I found a few more later… always learning, always living, right?!). And here was this 25 yr old who had ONLY focused on her career. Suddenly I felt sorry for her.
That’s how you need to feel about the 20 and 30-something Mommies. Only get jealous when they’ve done all the wild fun stuff, AND still look hot, AND have the perfect partner, AND have their careers in place, AND have the procreating happening seamlessly and prolifically. Then be jealous. And then push them off a tall ledge, please. For all of us. Because we don’t need that shit.
Mailisha I so look forward to your comments! I’m inclined to agree with you re: the order of events but why can’t nature support us in that? So messed up. And I definitely know a few ladies who should watch out around ledges.
@Malisha I find your comment very hurtful. I am a 22 year mom to an 18 month old. I’m in my second long-term monogamous relationship with my baby’s father (an amazing and supportive man) I feel like I’ve done my fair share of partying and bed-hopping and so we PLANNED our son together as a family. I am currently in school to be a nurse and will graduate by the end of the year to start my career. Then our plan is to buy a house and have another child. Is that really so messed up? Why do you have to live life in a certain order?
I also completely disagree with the whole kids will always have more energy than you theory you seem to have. As a young mom I was able to successfully breastfeed for a full year and lose all my baby weight (and then some!) in the first 2 months post-partum by walking and then running with my son in our jogging stroller once he was stable enough to hold his own head up. Did I also mention I pushed my son out during labour in a mere 7 minutes? I’m not saying that having kids younger is better, I’m saying that you need to realize that there are benefits to it that you may not see.
Also when your 60 and can’t retire because you have to pay for your kids education I’ll be drinking martinis on a beach with my husband thinking how awesome of a choice it was to have our kids young, 🙂
Alyssa, I don’t want to speak for Mailisha but I think she was being tongue in cheek. Believe me, we older moms can feel pretty jealous of younger moms for the very reasons you listed. Enjoy your family!
Whelp, I screwed myself all the way around! I tried it “the whatever order it it comes” ie long term boyfriend and was knocked up at 21. All while “visiting” colleges every other semester, trying to decide what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well that didn’t work out well, so I partied, bed-hopped and relationship-configured in between being a single mom (which means if I was lucky once a month when Nana would take over for a night). I’m guessing that’s why it took about 10 yrs to find Mr. Right, get married and pop out another child at 31. OMG its way more tiring at 31! But the worst part is the constant commit of “Really, your kids are 10yrs apart? Why did you wait so long.” Or maybe the worst part is when I get one of those random reminders from my body that I’m NOT 21 like my new mommy friends. But I do have a built in mommy helper! And my exotic travel will go the same way my partying and such did 10 yrs ago, when Nana is nice enough to take over for a night or two (which is now like once evry six months if I’m lucky! Nana, BTW, is still raising my brother who is 16 (yep we are 18 YEARS apart, so I guess I get it from my Momma)