The other night, Dave and I got sucked into Kim & Kourtney Take Miami.  As always, the Kardashians really made me think.

On this episode, Kourtney had recently given birth to baby Penelope and Kim was annoyed by her formerly partying sister’s child-centric ways.  Kim, in a halter dress that probably did not survive the taping, complained to her friend Jonathan about Kourtney:  “Every since she had the second baby, she looks like a slob kebab all the time.”

Kourtney’s Reaction: None. She’s not in the room.

My Reaction: Slob Kebab is a really awesome turn of phrase, and a pretty accurate description of my own mom “style” of unbrushed hair and non matching clothes.  Stick a skewer in me, I’m done.

Soon after, Kim visits Kourtney at home and gripes, “It’s, like, the afternoon and you’re wearing, like, harem pants sweats.  You act like you literally have 500 kids.”

Kourtney’s Reaction: “Talk to me once you have a child.” (Ironic foreshadowing alert!)

My Reaction: Harem pants sweats…where can I get some?

Later, at a restaurant, when Kourtney admits she only goes to children’s movies, Kim accuses: “Does motherhood change you that much that you don’t want to hang out with anyone but your kids all day?”

Kourtney’s Reaction: “It does.”

My Reaction: I don’t know, Kourtney.  Like you, I’m pathologically obsessed with my daughter and generally prefer to be in her company (not that I have a choice) but the best of all worlds is when my friends-without-kids come visit or agree to do something toddler friendly with us, like have breakfast at sunrise.  See, I like to have my cake and eat it too, preferably while wearing harem pants sweats.

Finally, Kim plunges in the knife and twists: “If you knew how boring you’d become, would you still have had kids?”

Kourtney’s Reaction: “Seriously, Kim, you are such a bitch, I can’t even deal with you.”

My Reaction: Just because my friends-without-kids are too nice to say what Kim said, are they thinking I’ve become totally boring?

When they ask, “What’s new?” and I share the big news that Viv decided she likes hard boiled eggs but not the yolks, is that less than interesting?

When I invite them to a tea party where the tea is pretend and there isn’t even any wine, is that not an ideal Sunday afternoon?

When they think they have my full attention and start confiding that their job or relationship is in jeopardy, does it bother them when I interrupt at a pivotal moment with “No, honey, don’t throw that. Yes, drink your milk.  In a minute, sweetheart, Mommy’s talking.  No, food stays on the tray.  On the tray.  On the tray!   I’m sorry, what were you saying?”

It’s mea culpa time.

Dear Friends-Without-Kids,

If I’ve become boring, unreliable and, indeed, unfashionable, I’m really sorry and I promise it will be over in a few short years.  A decade at the most.

Love,

Your Slob Kebab

PS Please vote for Carriage Before Marriage at Circle of Moms, once a day til Feb 13.