If I could go back in a time machine, this is the beauty advice I’d give to my clueless teen self.  Until that technology is perfected, all I can do is share my hard won wisdom with the teens of today.  It’s meant with love.

1. Cover Your Face – Girls, I understand the sensual appeal of slathering yourself with baby oil and frying like bacon at the beach.  I practically invented it.  We all know it’s not healthy, but I’m not your doctor – sizzle away.  All I ask is that you find some oversized sunglasses and a glam floppy hat to cover up that punim.

It’s been a couple of decades since I was you, and what I can tell you is that I don’t really mind the scaly skin on my legs.  I only care about the crazy brown freckle that just appeared on my nose, on time delay like light from a long dead star that’s just now entering our galaxy.  A sprinkle of freckles across the nose is cute.  One angry brown age spot on the tip – not so much.

2. Wear Blue Lipstick – And purple mascara and gold cowboy boots or whatever strikes your fad fancy.  Experimenting is a blast, but sadly all this stuff is going to look idiotic on you once you’re about 35.  Let’s just say that if I rimmed my eyes with magenta shadow now, I’d look like a sunburned rabbit with conjunctivitis.  So let your freak flag fly while you can.  Just don’t dress too slutty, or you’ll have nothing to look forward to when you’re 23.

3. Blink Before You Bleach – Hair color is fun and mistakes happen—just look at Christina Aguilera–but it’s how you recover that matters.  I once decided that I needed dark purple streaks all over my dirty blonde hair.  I was so surprised and, franky, hurt that they didn’t look amazing on me.

The very next day, I ran to the nearest salon crying, “Fix me!”  Since the streaks were so dark, they had to bleach them before redying.  My hair couldn’t handle all that processing two days in a row, and it fell out in chunks.  Trust me when I say you don’t want bangs on the back of your head.

4. Give Your Boobs a Chance – From what I’ve read, a boob job is considered a primo high school graduation gift these days.  Not so fast, teen vixens.  I’m not even going to get into the sexual politics of super sizing at such a young age.  All I’ll say is that what your boobs look like when you’re a teenager is not a good predictor what they will look like later.   A flat-chested 18-year-old eats a few Philly cheesesteaks, takes some birth control pills, and bang, she’s a B cup.  This happened to somebody I know.

Give them boobies time to prove you wrong!  Plus, when you’re older, and 1 in 8 of your girlfriends get a diagnosis (this sucks and actually happens), you’ll really learn to appreciate your sweater puppies, even if they’re Yorkies.

5. Don’t Blow Your Beauty Wad – In my day, girls didn’t start getting pedicures, waxes, facials and blowouts until they were working adults.  That’s why our high school yearbook pictures are so hilarious.  Lately I’ve noticed an awful lot of pampered teens at the salon.  Big mistake, girlfriends!   When you’re all young and glowy, paying experts to make you look young and glowy is just a waste of your parents’ money.

That’s probably a pointless point to you, so let me state it differently: Let’s say you drive a sports car and it has a turbo boost button that makes you drive extra super duper fast.  If you use turbo boost every day, what are you going to do in the event a high speed chase?  You’re already going at top speed.  This is what it’s like with beauty.  Leave some tricks for later, when mother nature starts high speed chasing you.  You’ll be glad you did.