We live in a rent-controlled apartment in a McMansion neighborhood, so the local moms out-fancy me by a mile. I mean, these moms are Lululemon gear-sporting, Porsche Cayenne-driving, blinding bling-wearing, “I just got back from Canyon Ranch and barely have time to repack before we go to Cannes” fancy.

But the status symbol that tops them all for these ladies is being a stay-at-home mom with full-time help.

I’m not going to rank on that choice. I’m sure it’s awesome. It’s just not for me. I don’t need, nor can I afford, a full-time nanny for my one kid while I stay at home with her. I would, however, be mighty interested in more of a sister-wife situation where I was the first wife and got to preside over the family calendar. Then she and I could divide up all the domestic responsibilities, with me delegating away my least favorite tasks.

My fantasy sister-wife arrangement would look something like this:

Childcare — I cover play dates at the beach, making macaroni necklaces and the adorable dance class with the tutus. She can do trapped inside on a rainy day and nursing the family through a stomach virus.

Chores — I fold the laundry, slowly, while watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She can mine the week-old turkey meatball crumbs from the high chair buckles.

Cooking — I bake the double fudge brownies and lick the bowl. She can dissect the raw chicken and mince the garlic that has permanently smell-dyed my hands.

Errands — I get to squeeze all the fresh produce at Whole Foods. She can explain to the shoemaker why she’s not paying more than the original price of the shoes to have them resoled.

Romance — I will have sex with my partner in the summer, on vacation, during holidays and whenever I’ve been drinking. She’s on duty when I’m on the rag, sad or feel fat.

If I ever find out that this is actually how it works with those fancy SAHMs with the full-time help, I’m going to be very jealous.

What mom/wife jobs would you keep or delegate if you could?