Always love to have a post up on Scary Mommy.  Just beware, saucy language ahead.

“Honey, there’s something wrong with my taint!” I yell to my husband.

“Your what?”

“My taint. How have you lived to be 39 without…oh, never mind. It’s called the taint because it ain’t the vagina and it ain’t the butt… It’s my perineum, if you must know.

There’s something wrong with it. I can feel this bump and it stings like a motherfucker but I can’t see it so I don’t know what it is.”

“Maybe it’s a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining a lot?”

“Oh, maybe. I mean, this baby has definitely gummed up the works down there. Would you recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“I might, but I’m not sure I want to recognize one on you.”

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