I’m 32 weeks pregnant and exhausted.

Bone tired, knackered, stumbling around like a drunken Zombie, making no sense, donezo, pooped. I could blame the bowling ball under my shirt, my high-energy preschooler or a woeful lack of caffeine, but the biggest reason I’m tired? I’m not sleeping at night. Like, at all. Here’s what I’m doing instead:

11:00p Try to wind down in bed with a Friends re-run. Just my luck—it’s the one where Rachel can’t get Emma to stop crying. Do I remember how to get babies to stop crying? Do I remember anything about babies?

12:00a Pee

12:05a Pee again for good measure

12:10a Wonder if I still have the phone number for that guy who installs car seats. Also, where is the car seat?

12:15a Drift off to sleep propped up on mountains of pillows.

12:20a Roll off steep pillow mountain and wake up. Have to pee.

12:55a Wake from frightening pregnancy dream in which my newborn speaks fluent English and tells me she wants to get a dog. Pee again.

1:02a Why am I so itchy?

1:30a During pee break, misjudge size of ever-growing belly and smash into furniture. Swear quietly so as not to wake husband, but then a little louder to garner sympathy from husband.

2:10a Wake up to pee, realize I’m starving. Chastise self for not remembering to leave snacks on the nightstand. How much is mini fridge rental? Wander downstairs and eat cold pasta standing up. And a little ice cream. Okay, all of the ice cream.

2:27a Lay down in bed. Oh no, here comes the heartburn!

3:20a  Crapsticks, how did I go through a whole roll of toilet paper in one night? Trudge downstairs in the dark again to fetch more TP from the pantry. Return climb upstairs raises heart rate to marathon running levels.

3:58a  Finally ready to fall back to sleep, but guess who’s up? The baby! Kick, kick, kick in the crotch. Sure, I can sleep through that.

4:29a  Get out of bed to pee. OMG calf cramp!!!!

4:45a Wide awake and worrying obsessively about the measles.

5:35a Actually sleeping now. Still have at least 90 minutes till preschooler wakes up–let’s make it count. Oh, wait, who’s that now? Hi sweetie. Sure, you can get into bed with us. Yes, I will hold you. Just as soon as I pee. No really, you don’t have to follow me into the…oh, nevermind.

6:02a Daughter asleep, Mommy awake. I wonder how many toaster waffles are left in the freezer?

6:15a Up to pee again. Look back at bed and see husband comfortably sleeping. Resist urge to jump on his head.

6:22a  Braxton Hicks, not for sissies! Maybe I should just quickly Google to make sure I’m not in real labor. Can I reach my iPad without falling out of bed?

7:04a  Asleep, for real.

7:05a  Mommy, wake up!