I knew two kids would be harder than one kid. I just didn’t know why. The problem is car seats.
With one kid, the car seat was installed in the center, and I could extract my daughter from either door, whichever was most convenient. Now I’ve got the baby on the right side and Viv (age 5) behind me, on the left. Since we’re all jammed into a small SUV, there’s no room to walk past the rear-facing baby seat, which means I’m putting Viv into the car from the driver’s side, often in heavy traffic.
That was a lot of words. Just imagine me in this photo, but with angry bikers, city buses and cement trucks whizzing by, threatening to crush me with my own car door:
So on an almost daily basis, I am risking life and, well, butt, as I wrestle my girl into her Britax, which shouldn’t be so difficult, except (1) Wait Mommy I dropped my sea horse and (2) Ow! I’m sitting on a barrette and (3) But I just need my snack and (4) I don’t want to get in my car seat! and (5) Juliette has a booster it’s not fair and (6) By this time I’ve been run over and I’m dead. It’s very sad.
No, but seriously, I can feel an actual breeze on my arse from the “Wide Load” van driving way too close for comfort as I beg, plead, negotiate, threaten, bribe and otherwise lose the battle of wills with my stubborn daughter.
I remember reading some parenting article that said when all else fails, try humor! And that is how I ended up writing an original country and western song entitled “My Tushie’s in Traffic,” which I will share with you now:
My tushie’s in traffic
Oh no, I’m in trouble
Cuz my tushie is not flat
It’s shaped like a big bubble
My tushie’s in traffic
Cars they are a coming
If my tushie does get smushed
Then I really will be bumming (butt pun!)
So now, when I’m parallel parked and Viv is dilly-dallying, I start singing. The tune is imprecise – I just give it a little twang and a wail and she laughs, which gives me just enough time to buckle her in and slam the door. This is what it’s come to, friends. Country songs about my butt. I’m working on an album. I’ll let you know when we tour. For now, at least my tushie will live to sit another day.